commentary by Judy Harris
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#26: THE STONES OF BLOOD (4 Parts) ORIGINALLY AIRED: 10/28/78 to 11/18/78 WRITTEN BY: David Fisher DIRECTED BY: Darrol Blake PRODUCER: Graham Williams SCRIPT EDITOR: Anthony Read
This is the 100th DOCTOR WHO story, which was heralded by quite a bit of hoopla in the British press. As it is Tom Baker's 26th story, he has appeared in more than one-quarter of the shows, a record which has not been equalled. From Tom Baker's autobiography, WHO ON EARTH IS TOM BAKER?: "In 1978, when we came to make the hundredth DOCTOR WHO story, THE STONES OF BLOOD, I'd been playing the part for four years. By now, Graham Williams was the producer and he and I were not close. By this I mean that he often disagreed with me, though I have to admit that his casting was sometimes fun, and for that reason I have good memories of him. ... The storyline was something to do with the Key to Time, a subject so serious that all we could do was howl with laughter. There were creatures called Ogri who were made of stone but fed on blood. They were crude symbols of big businessmen and just as dull."
Of the six Key to Time stories, this is my favorite. The late Beatrix Lehmann was good in her role as Professor Amelia Rumford, and the location of the Rollright Stones in Oxfordshire was effective. There was a delightful change of pace in part #4, with the Doctor donning a British barrister's wig from his well stocked coat pocket, and defending himself against a machine's idea of justice. K9 had a couple of good scenes as well, when he wasn't being ripped apart again.
In the TARDIS, the Doctor is unable to fit the two segments of the Key to Time together, so Romana does it. He puts the tracer in the TARDIS console to find the next destination and smiles. "Have I got a treat in store for you, Romana," he says. The destination is Earth.
On Boscombe Moor in Damnonium there's an ancient circle of stones, occasionally represented by a very convincing miniature. Hooded figures perform a sacrifice there, pouring blood on one of the stones, which glows with a pulsing, rhythmic light.
Romana, clad in slacks, a blouse and cloth cap, asks the Doctor if she's dressed appropriately. He tells her to change into sensible shoes, but before she can, a voice booms through the TARDIS: "Beware of the Black Guardian."
The Doctor decides to tell Romana what's going on. "Romana, you were not sent on this mission by the President of the Supreme Council," he says, "The voice you just heard and the being you saw in the shape of the President was the White Guardian or, to be more accurate, the Guardian of Light and Time--as opposed to the Guardian of Darkness, sometimes called the Black Guardian. They can assume any shape or form they wish." The Doctor recounts what the White Guardian told him in THE RIBOS OPERATION.
They materialize amid rain. "That's what the locals call a nice day; anyone for tennis?" the Doctor asks, grabbing his hat from the time column and shouldering an umbrella. "It's an English expression. It means is anyone coming outdoors to get soaked."
The Doctor leaves K9 on guard duty and exits the TARDIS with the umbrella over his head, trailed by Romana. He notices the rain has stopped and casually tosses the umbrella away into a field.
After they walk a bit, the Doctor stops to inspect strange indentations in the ground. Whatever made them must weigh at least 3 1/2 tons.
The tracer points to the ring of stones. The Doctor and Romana walk to the center, and the Doctor explains, "It's a sort of megalithic temple cum observatory." The stones are "all aligned at various points on the horizon, giving you sunrise and moonrise at different times of the year."
Romana tries the tracer and now gets no reading. An old woman arrives, saying, "It's been surveyed, you know." She introduces herself as Professor Amelia Rumford, the archeologist/author of BRONZE AGE BURIALS IN GLOUCESTERSHIRE. "The definitive work on the subject," the Doctor says, which encourages the Professor to drone on about her favorite subject, as the Doctor's eyes glaze over. She says the stones are called the Nine Travelers, although there are 12 of them.
The Doctor finds quite a lot of dried blood on the ground. Professor Rumford's associate, Vivien Fay, shows up and is introduced. She and the Professor are conducting a topological/geological/astronomical/archaeological survey. Vivien says the blood was probably a sacrifice made by the BIDS--the British Institute of Druidic Studies. Their leader, Mr. DeVries, lives a couple of miles away in the Hall.
The Doctor quietly tells Romana to keep an eye on the two archaeologists, while he goes off to see DeVries. Romana helps them to make some measurements and feels uneasy in the presence of some lurking crows.
At the Hall, DeVries performs a ceremony, promising death to the enemies of the Cailleach. The Doctor rings the front door bell. When no one answers, he walks in and whistles to see if anyone's at home. As he inspects some portraits on the wall, DeVries enters. He tells the Doctor the three missing paintings are away being cleaned. One is of Wicked Lady Morgana Montcalm, by the Scottish painter Alan Ramsey. The second one is Mrs. Trefusis and the third is a Brazilian Lady, Senhora Camara; over the years all of them owned the Hall and the land the stone circle is on.
The Professor and Miss Fay go back to their cottage. Romana reluctantly decides to wait for the Doctor. She takes out the tracer but there's still no reading.
Over sherry, the Doctor meets DeVries' crow and discusses Druidic lore. "There's so little that's historically reliable, is there?" the Doctor asks, "The odd mention in Julius Caesar and Tacitus, no great detail. I always thought that Druidism was founded by John Aubrey, in the seventeenth century, as a joke--he had a great sense of humor."
DeVries says the stones are sacred to the goddess, who has many names: Morriga, Hermanentana, or the Cailleach, the Celtic goddess of war, death and magic. Ravens and crows are her eyes.
DeVries' associate Martha enters in a ceremonial feathered costume and raven mask. DeVries hits the Doctor over the head and knocks him out.
At the stones, Romana hears the Doctor call her. Leaving her impractical shoes behind, Romana walks barefoot, following the voice to the crumbling edge of a cliff, where he seems to push her off. She hangs just below the edge, calling for help.
In the stone circle, DeVries binds the Doctor to a stone and prepares to sacrifice him. The Doctor wakes up. "Hello, I hope that knife's been properly sterilized," he says cheerfully, "You can catch all sorts of things off a dirty knife--lockjaw, tetanus, not to mention staphylococcal infection."
The Doctor catches sight of a bicycle approaching and yells for help. The Druids run away before Professor Rumford arrives. She tells him he'll catch his death of cold. "Well, you know how it is, Professor, I often get tied up in my job." She cuts him free. They find Romana's shoes and realize she's missing. The Doctor whistles for K9 and goes to meet him half way. "K9, I've got a job for you; now you've always wanted to be a bloodhound," the Doctor begins. "Negative," K9 interrupts.
Romana's scent, blood, tissue type and alpha wave pattern are recorded in K9's data bank. The poor machine has a hard time moving on the moors. He locates her but she cowers away from the Doctor. He lowers his scarf to her like a rope and pulls her up. This sequence has a really obvious sunset seascape back projection. Romana tells him someone or something who looked exactly like him pushed her over the cliff. It was solid--no projection. They both realize the segments of the Key to Time convey the power to transform objects or at least their appearance. Someone has it and knows how to use it. "What do we do?" Romana asks. "Get you a decent pair of shoes," the Doctor replies.
Back in the TARDIS, where she changes into a long dress and sensible boots, Romana tells the Doctor there was no trace of the segment in the circle. "How's your interspatial geometry?" he asks. Romana doesn't understand how a thing can be in one place and yet not be in that place, and neither does K9.
Outside, Romana tries the tracer again and gets a reading. She, K9 and the Doctor return to the circle, where Professor Rumford and Miss Fay are waiting. The Doctor introduces K9, telling them mobile dog-shaped computers are "all the rage in Trenton, New Jersey."
The Doctor asks Romana to accompany the Professor back to Miss Fay's cottage to check the Professor's research notes on the legends, folklore and history of the circle.
The Doctor intends to see Mr. DeVries. "I think that Mr. DeVries is a very worried man," the Doctor says, "and worried men often sing worried songs." K9 accompanies him.
At the Hall, a large glowing stone approaches and breaks in. Outside the gate, K9 alerts the Doctor to danger from unidentified aliens. The Doctor hears screams and rushes into the house, finding one room in ruins and DeVries and Martha dead, their skulls smashed. He covers K9's eyes.
There is a residue on the floor, which K9 identifies as silicon. He follows its trail into the next room, where a stone lurks outside the window. It smashes the door, which falls on the Doctor, knocking him out. K9 blasts the stone and it leaves, pursued by K9. The Doctor wakes up and rushes after them.
At Miss Fay's home, Rose Cottage in Boscawen, Vivien makes sausage sandwiches while Romana goes over the Professor's notes. She's identified the Nine Travelers as one of the three gorsedds of prophesy. The Professor explains a gorsedd is old Welsh for a place of augurs--people who foretell the future. The three gorsedds in Britain are Stonehenge in Salisbury; Bryn Gwyddon in Wales and Boscombe Moor in Damnonium.
Romana notices that, until recently, the land the circle stands on has always been owned by a woman, including the Mother Superior of the Convent of the Little Sisters of St. Gudula. Vivien scoffs at the idea of a sisterhood worshipping the stones since the 12th century.
Mr. DeVries' house was built in 1572 on the old site of the convent, so Romana and Professor Rumford set off to see if there are any old records stored there. Vivien elects to stay home. Brandishing a policeman's truncheon, the Professor leads the way.
They find the ruined rooms and the Doctor crouching disconsolately over the upturned form of K9, his innards spilling out. The Doctor blows into K9's snout, as if to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. "I did my best, Master, but it was so strong," K9 gasps feebly, telling the Doctor the creature was silicon based and globulin deficient. The Doctor explains globulin is a protein found in blood plasma. The creature that killed Devries and Martha lives on blood.
K9's entire circuitry is burned out. He feels he can't be repaired and advises cannibalization of his reusable parts. The Doctor tells Romana K9's only chance is "an entire circuit regeneration" and feels "it might be kinder to remove the cerebral core now."
Romana suggests linking up the TARDIS' molecular stabilizer (all type 40's have them) to K9's circuit frequency modulator, which the Doctor thinks is brilliant and ingenious. K9 and Romana return to the TARDIS.
At the circle, dressed in the ceremonial feathered costume and mask, the Cailleach strides past the bodies of DeVries and Martha and pours their blood on a stone, which glows with a pulsing light. "Ogri, you shall do my bidding," she says.
At the Hall, the Doctor tells Professor Rumford he's searching for clues to the whereabouts of the Cailleach..."Morrigu, Morridwyn. Call her what you like." He presses an image of a raven on the fireplace and the door to a priest hole opens. He and the Professor enter.
In the TARDIS, Romana fiddles with K9's innards and hooks him up to the TARDIS control panel. As she leaves, she sees ravens perched on top of the TARDIS.
Professor Rumford turns on the light in the hidden room and the Doctor discovers the missing portraits of Lady Montcalm, Mrs. Trefusis and Senhora Camara. All have the face of Vivien Fay.
Romana passes by the stone circle, which is glowing. Miss Fay comes up behind her and pushes her into the circle. She aims a wand, which glows at one end, and Romana disappears.
Professor Rumford points out there's a span of 150 years among the portraits. "So what's 150 years when you've been around for more than 4000," the Doctor asks, revealing Vivien is the Cailleach.
A stone--one of the Ogri--attacks, so the Doctor and the Professor run. Outside the Hall, the Doctor remarks the stone is closing in fast. "It's impossible," the Professor protests. "No, it isn't; we're standing still," the Doctor retorts. The Professor feels, in the cause of science, it's their duty to capture the stone, but the Doctor drags her off. The stone follows them to the cliff where Romana fell off. Using his coat like a matador's cape, the Doctor lures the Ogri over the side and into the water.
The Cailleach waits at the stones in a circle of light. She tells the Doctor she has Romana. He walks toward her and gets zapped by a static electrical charge. "That's a very primitive forcefield," he says--but effective. Warning, "Beware the Ogri," the Cailleach disappears.
Three of the stones are missing from the Nine Travelers, which is back to 9 stones. The Ogri are from the planet Ogros in Tau Ceti, "repulsive place--covered in great swamps full of amino acids--primitive protein which they feed on by absorption, hence their need of globulin, which is the nearest equivalent on Earth, hence the blood sacrificed on the stones," the Doctor explains. The names of the remaining Ogri are Gog and Magog--the ogres.
The Doctor asks the Professor, "Do you by any chance have any tritium crystals?" She goes back to the cottage to look, while he goes to the TARDIS.
In the cottage, the Doctor works on a contraption which resembles an old silent movie camera, partly because it's on a tripod. The Professor finds some crystals. "I knew she must have them somewhere; it's the only way she could power that wand of hers," the Doctor says, pouring the crystals into his invention.
He tells the Professor Romana and Vivien are in hyperspace. A revived K9 explains, "Hyperspace is an exception to the special theory of relativity propounded by Einstein." "K9, don't overstrain your data banks, you're not fully recovered yet," the Doctor warns, confiding to the Professor K9 is "a terrible old gasbag."
The Doctor says hyperspace is "all to do with interspatial geometry." The Professor admits she never studied that. "I'm not surprised; they gave up teaching it 2,000 years ago even on Gallifrey," the Doctor replies.
The Professor is familiar with Einstein's theory that you can't travel faster than 180,000 miles per second or else you'd arrive at your destination before you left your starting point. "I did try to explain the realities to poor old Albert, but he would insist that he knew best," the Doctor states. "Apart from space warping, which he couldn't possibly understand, there is a theoretical way of avoiding the time distortion," the Doctor says, asking the Professor to pass him a screwdriver, "You operate in a different dimension, you see, in another kind of space"--hyperspace. The Doctor says Romana and Vivien are still in the circle or whatever occupies that space in the other dimension.
The Professor asks if the Doctor is from outer space. "No," he replies, "I'm more from what you'd call inner time."
The Doctor shows the completed machine to K9, who says it will be effective on a setting of .0037 on the hyperspace scale, which will burn out its circuits in 31.2 seconds flat. K9 adds, "Actual area of transportation beam will be small. It is imperative, therefore, that you mark your point of entry on arrival in order to facilitate finding it again for return."
The Doctor, K9 and the Professor take the machine to the circle. The Professor is to switch it on, wait until the needle points on the dial to .0037 and then throw a lever; she must switch it off in 30 seconds or pow! "Pow's a technical expression, Professor," the Doctor tells her, "It means that all the microcircuitry will fuse into one great lump of molten metal."
If the Ogri return, K9 can generate a forcefield for a maximum of 17 minutes 31.86 seconds before his power is depleted. The Professor asks what about the Doctor. "Don't worry about me;" he replies, "I'll be doing plenty of that in any case." The Doctor asks her to switch the machine on for 30 seconds every half hour, so he can get back. But even if he doesn't, what does it matter? "You know what they say about hyperspace," the Doctor adds, "It's a theoretical absurdity, and that's something I've always wanted to be lost in."
The Professor switches the machine on, causing a small explosion. "Switch off! Switch off!" the Doctor shouts. He has made an error in the circuitry. "We're not all programmed for perfection," the Doctor tells K9. As he fixes the fault, K9 detects the approach of both of the remaining Ogri. The Professor switches the machine on and the Doctor disappears. K9 blasts the approaching stones.
The Doctor arrives, twirling, on a spaceship in hyperspace. This is a fairly decent model, except for the engines, which resemble industrial strength microphones. Hyperspace itself is a sort of blue swirl. He marks his point of entry with a chalked X and goes off looking for Romana.
The Doctor opens a door and a mummified body drops out; he kicks it back and shuts the door. He opens the door to Romana's cell and, sticking his head in, says, "All change for Venus at the Brighton line." He uses his sonic screwdriver to free her from her wrist shackles and tells her they're in hyperspace on a 4,000 year old hyperspace vessel. Romana doesn't believe him.
The Doctor uses the ship's computer to show her the hyperspace vessel is hovering directly above the stone circle. It can't be seen "because it exists in a different kind of space from the circle" in hyperspace--"not in ordinary, four-dimensional space," Romana concedes. They decide to search the ship for the third segment but for some reason don't bother using the tracer.
The Ogri leave K9 and the Professor to recharge with globulin. They appear outside the tent of some campers, whom they kill.
The Doctor feels nothing could be alive on the ship after 4000 years. "If there is anything still alive, it'll be furious with all the delay," he comments drily.
The Doctor peers into a compartment and sees a dead Wirrn. He thinks this must have been a convict ship.
Romana points out a seal on a door which is a different color from the rest. "First class in hyperspace?" the Doctor wonders. He can't read the script but thinks "Probably just says 'Do not open--penalty 50 pounds'." He can't see in, so he breaks the seal with the sonic screwdriver and opens the door.
Two entities represented by blinking lights emerge and introduce themselves as the Megara, Justice Machines--the law--judge, jury and executioner. The Doctor decides it's time to leave, but the Megara stop him to ask who removed the Great Seal without authorization. The Doctor admits he's the culprit. The Megara tell him this is against the law; the penalty is death. The Doctor promises never again to break any other seals without authorization.
In the circle, the Professor switches the Doctor's machine on. Vivien Fay appears in a clinging gown, with a turban on her head and a pendant around her neck. Her skin is silvery. K9's power is too depleted to prevent her from smashing the Doctor's machine with her wand. She disappears, summoning the Ogri.
The Doctor and Romana stand on the X the Doctor marked but nothing happens. Suddenly Vivien Fay and the two remaining Ogri appear. She tells them they're trapped in hyperspace forever. She calls the Ogri, but the Megara demand their prisoner not be harmed.
In his absence, the Justice Machines have tried, convicted and sentenced the Doctor. The sentence is immediate execution. The Doctor wishes to appeal against his sentence. In accordance with Article 14 of the Legal Code, Subsection 135, the Doctor's execution is stayed for 2 hours.
The Doctor tells Romana there's no point telling the Megara they're Time Lords. "I knew a Galactic Federation once--lots of different life forms--so they appointed a Justice Machine to administer the law," the Doctor says, "Found the Federation in contempt of court and blew up the entire galaxy."
The Doctor takes a barrister's wig out of his pocket, puts it on his head and calls as his first witness--"Miss Romanadvoratrelundar."
After swearing Romana in, the Megara direct a ray at her forehead, which assesses the level of truth. "Miss Dvoratrelundar," the Doctor begins, "when we opened the hyperspace capsules, what did we find inside?"
"Bodies of dead creatures," Romana replies. The Doctor prompts her to testify he opened the Megara's compartment to come to their aid, but the Justice Machines don't buy that.
At the cottage, K9 talks Professor Rumford through linking the alpha circuit to the sine interphase.
The Doctor calls Vivien Fay as his second witness; she tries to get out of testifying, but the Megara insist. She summons the Ogri and the Megara zaps one, turning it to dust, so she decides to cooperate. The Doctor hopes to find out who she really is. Who else has been around 4,000 years? She must be the criminal the Megara are after. Romana says she'll try to get back to Earth to find something incriminating in Miss Fay's cottage.
The Doctor requests Miss Fay be attached to the truth assessor, but the Megara demur. Miss Fay offers to allow the truth assessor, so it is attached, but the Megara conduct the questioning and ask her only about the seal to their compartment.
Back at the stone circle, Professor Rumford switches on the repaired projector machine and materializes Romana and the remaining Ogri. The Professor, Romana and K9 run to Miss Fay's cottage.
The Doctor deliberately antagonizes the Megara, saying they may have deteriorated after 4,000 years due to "rust, dust, pieces of fluff. Think how you'd feel if you condemn an innocent humanoid to death just because you've got a piece of fluff in your sprocket wheel, or whatever it is you've got in there," he says. The Megara retort they are biomachines, incapable of error. They're microcellular metallic organisms.
The Doctor calls his third witness, one of the Megara--his own lawyer. Eventually the Megara agree, and reveal they were traveling on judicial business to Diplos, a G-class planet in Tau Ceti, to try a female humanoid criminal accused of murder and the removal and misuse of the Great Seal of Diplos. This seal has the power of transmutation, transformation and the establishing of hyperspatial and temporal coordinates. The name of the criminal is Cessair of Diplos.
At the cottage, Romana has discovered Vivien Fay avoids citric acid. Her cookery book is full of crossed out recipes containing lemon juice, grapefruit, oranges, avocados and certain kinds of meat. Romana deduces Vivien Fay has a different metabolism from Earth-born humans, which is why the Ogri don't attack her. K9 figures out she comes from a G-class planet in Tau Ceti.
The Megara find all this irrelevant and tell the Doctor to prepare himself to die. He throws down his case notes and removes his wig. "Aren't you supposed to offer me a last toffee apple, or something--a blindfold, a hearty breakfast, a free pardon?" he asks.
He shakes hands goodbye with Miss Fay as the Megara carry out his execution, sending both him and Miss Fay flying in opposite directions.
An Ogri approaches the cottage, so K9, Romana and Professor Rumford leave, with the machine. They return to the circle, where K9 holds off the Ogri. The Professor beams Romana back to the hypership.
The Doctor revives and asks the Megara to reach the memory cells of the unconscious Miss Fay to see if her brain is damaged. They discover she's Cessair of Diplos, guilty of the theft and misuse of the Great Seal of Diplos, also of removing silicon based life forms from the planet Ogros in contravention of Article 7597 of the Galactic Charter.
Romana arrives to give her evidence, followed by an Ogri. The Megara confine it to a cell until it can be returned to its home planet. Cessair is tried and found guilty of impersonating a Celtic goddess. The penalty is imprisonment for 1,500 years. She is also found guilty of theft of the Great Seal, for which the penalty is perpetual imprisonment. The sentences are to run consecutively.
The Megara, the Doctor, Romana and Cessair return to Earth. Before sentence is carried out, the Doctor snatches the pendant from around Cessair's neck. The Megara transform her into a stone and she becomes a permanent part of the stone circle.
The Megara turn their attention to the Doctor to carry out his execution, but he touches them with the pendant and they disappear. "Bye, bye. Happy journey!," he calls to them. He's fixed the controls of their ship to send them back to Diplos, which should give him a couple thousand years grace.
Professor Rumford walks the Doctor, K9 and Romana back to the TARDIS. She remarks Vivien hasn't finished making trouble yet. The Nine Travelers will have to be surveyed again. Romana thanks the Professor and kisses her goodbye. The TARDIS dematerializes.
Inside, Romana opens the refrigerator and removes the two segments. The Doctor uses the tracer to transform the third segment. Romana asks if Earth is always like that. "Sometimes it's even exciting," the Doctor replies, trying and failing to fit the three segments together.
NOTES ON THE CAST |
|
Romana | Mary Tamm |
K9 | John Leeson |
Professor Amelia Rumford | Beatrix Lehmann |
Vivien Fay | Susan Engel |
Leonard DeVries | Nicholas McArdle |
Martha | Elaine Ives-Cameron |
Megara Voice | Gerald Cross |
Megara Voice | David McAlister |
Camper | James Murray |
Camper | Shirin Taylor |
Professor Amelia Rumford was the final role for the late actress Beatrix Lehmann. From Tom Baker's autobiography: "Now Beatrix had a powerful line in heavenly hypnotism. To be with her was to feel grateful to life. So many theatricals make one long for death -- and occasionally they fit in with one's mood -- but Beatrix was just wonderful. . . . Bea Lehmann took a real shine to John Leeson, the voice of the insufferable K9 (Canine). . . . Back at the hotel with Beatrix Lehmann, John Leeson and I just lapped up her stories. She was so taken with John that she gave him a lovely Leica camera. She was so taken with me that she allowed me to buy her a drink and three times she winked at me. She knew that John was a keen photographer but she rightly sensed that I preferred winks to cameras.
"Over a few evenings she told us things from her past. How she had known Ralph Richardson as a young man and washed his shirts. She told us he was very bossy and wanted to give her notes on her performance all the time. And it became clear that she had admired him very much and considered him a friend." When she finishes her tale, Tom concludes, "And it was just good to be with her and the whole encounter was so much more interesting that the script we were doing. It was Beatrix's last performance We watched her riding a bicycle and we shivered with fear. And so, although I can't recall the script, I still feel grateful to those three women (Susan Engle, Elaine Ives-Cameron and Beatrix Lehmann) and to John Leeson, who if he'd been allowed to be a dog could have been immortal."
From Tom Baker's autobiography: "The real pleasure was when the Doctor met a girl called Vivien Fay who was four thousand years old. ... Anyway, God was on our side and we got Susan Engel. She was obviously too young, but never mind. That was the first bit of fun chez Ogri, blood-suppers that they were. No matter what was going on in rehearsals, I couldn't wait to leave the floor and get back to Susie Engle and her tales of her aunts in Vienna's patisseries: 'Go on, Sadie, put some jam on it and make it really nice.'"
From Tom Baker's autobiography: "The third magic strand to this little BBC do was a girl by the name of Elaine Ives-Cameron. Why she has never become a great star I cannot even guess. She was a tall, slightly built, dark and beautiful girl, an exquisite spider-like creature who could walk through a door, say hello, and turn your blood to quicksilver. She was dangerous just to look at. I won't ask you to imagine what it was like to have a hot, toasted teacake with Elaine; you wouldn't believe me anyway. But I can tell you this, I've never had a teacake like it. No canteen is the same without Elaine Ives-Cameron. And why she isn't a world-famous actress baffles me. All I can offer by way of an explanation is that there is no truth, no justice and no God in this industry."